Quotations from the Book
August 2, 2008
To provide you with a sense of the scope and nature of the divorce advice and divorce support offered by Susan Pease Gadoua’s book, Contemplating Divorce, A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go, you’re invited to look over the excerpts that follow:
The Crossroads
Standing on the precipice of such a big decision can be daunting. Feelings of sadness, guilt, fear and anger are normal now, especially if your spouse is unaware of the extent of your unhappiness or you feel unsupported. You are not alone. There are hundreds of thousands of people feeling stuck in matrimonial confusion. No matter how difficult the circumstances you face, there is a solution.
Whatever your reason for coming to this place or how long you’ve been unhappy and unfulfilled, you are reading this book because you need some guidance in your decision-making process.
The primary goal of this book is to help you sort out your emotions and assist you through the maze of confusion and grief you will undoubtedly experience. By the end of the last chapter, I hope that, with the roadmap provided here, you will have a clearer sense of what direction to take regarding your marriage.
Learning About Your Relationship
I have found that once a couple understands the mechanics behind their relationship - specifically, why they were attracted to each other in the beginning and why they now have marital problems - they can often do more to improve their situation. You can’t change what you’re not conscious of, so a big part of working on yourself and your relationship is “looking under the hood” to see the inner workings of how this machine you call your “marriage” operates.
There are three basic reasons why we are attracted to and stay with a partner: 1) to find comfort, 2) to find balance, 3) to heal old wounds.
Knowing what You Need
Like it or not, you have needs. We all do. We would hardly be human if we didn’t. In my work, I am often surprised by how many people, men and women alike, either try to deny their needs or don’t know that they have them. These unmet needs are the leading underlying factors behind most disputes and disappointments couples have. The more disputes and disappointments you have, the more tumultuous your relationship, therefore, the more likely you are to divorce.
When people have unmet needs in their marriage, they either go without and suffer or they get their needs met somewhere else. Gaining clarity on your personal and marital needs will have a huge impact on the direction you take in your marriage. In order to get your needs met you must:
1) Acknowledge that you have needs, 2) Clearly identify your needs and, 3) Know how and where to get your needs met.
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