Does Your Marriage Work?
January 12, 2009
In Contemplating Divorce, A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go, the reader who is struggling in their marriage will get a much clearer idea of whether the marriage is salvageable through the various exercises, stated information and case examples outlined throughout the book. Chapter Six, in particular, covers what are known as “workability factors” for marriage based on a variety of areas that come into play in every relationship such as trust, respect, communication, compatibility, and more.
The “Workability Quiz” was created from these factors and is a tool designed to help people assess in a general way how well their marriage operates. It represents a partial list of the various areas in which the marital relations either work or don’t work. This quiz is meant to be a preliminary assessment and should not be the sole basis for a decision whether to stay in the marriage or leave. It is important to read the entire book to have a more accurate sense of how workable the marriage actually is.
From the following scenarios, circle the letter of the answer that most closely resembles the way you and your spouse would interact in the same situation. Then enter the letters in the answer key to calculate your score. This score will tell you where your marriage falls on the workability scale.
1. Your spouse says s/he is going to be working late again. You:
a) believe her/him without question
b) don’t believe her/him
c) wonder if s/he’s telling the truth since s/he lied about working late at least once before
2. You have had a tough day and that evening, you start to tell your spouse about it. In response, your spouse:
a) turns up the volume on the television
b) turns the television off, sits you down and asks what happened
c) turns down the volume on the television and asks you about what happened.
3. When you and your spouse argue:
a) You both scream and shout at the same time trying to get the other person to hear the other
b) listen to each other and each have a chance to express your viewpoints
c) one or both of you becomes emotional at first but you eventually calm down to where you can converse
4. When an issue comes up between you and your spouse, you resolve it by:
a) one of you automatically defers to the other for the solution
b) you have an unspoken agreement that you won’t talk about the issue and you’ll both hope it goes away
c) you work on finding a resolution together
5. Your spouse suggests that you go on vacation together for two weeks. You:
a) get excited at the thought of spending two whole weeks with your spouse on your ideal vacation b) get a knot in the pit of your stomach thinking about how you’ll have to suffer through his or her idea of a “vacation”
c) say yes but mean no because you don’t want to be away from the kids or work that long
6. You and your spouse are at a dinner party. Your spouse says something derogatory to you in front of your friends. You:
a) say nothing until you get home and then you let your spouse have it
b) yell at your spouse in front of the others
c) gently but firmly tell your spouse in front of the guests, “don’t put me down, dear.”
7. Something your spouse has done has upset you and you:
a) never let your spouse forget it and bring it up every chance you can
b) stuff your feelings hoping that they will go away
c) tell him or her directly that you want to talk about what’s upsetting you
8. Your spouse starts flirting with your good friend. You:
a) make some excuse as to why you and your friend need to leave
b) tell your spouse right then and there that s/he’d better knock it off or you’ll divorce him or her c) ask your spouse about it later and let him or her know that it made you feel insecure
9. Your spouse responds to this last scenario by:
a) going out of his/her way to make sure you feel comfortable the next time you all meet
b) apologizing profusely but doing it again the next time you all get together
c) telling you you’re crazy
10. Your spouse partied too much one night and can’t get up to go to work the next morning. You:
a) are shocked since this is so out of character for him/her
b) pray once again that s/he get sober
c) express concern to your spouse that s/he would risk losing her/his job over a few drinks since this happened once before two years ago.
1) a = 3 complete trust
b = 1 no trust
c = 2 questionable trust ____
2) a = 1 no support
b = 3 very supportive
c = 2 somewhat supportive ____
3) a = 1 no communication/abuse
b = 3 good communication
c = 2 sufficient communication ____
4) a = 2 one person resolves the issues
b = 1 issues are not addressed or resolved
c = 3 cooperative resolution to issues ____
5) a = 3 shared interests
b = 1 no shared interests
c = 2 some shared interests ____
6) a = 2 questionable esteem for self &/or other
b = 1 no esteem for self &/or other
c = 3 some esteem for self &/or other ____
7) a = 1 unwillingness to work on the marriage
b = 2 resistance to work on the marriage
c = 3 willingness to work on the marriage ____
a = 2 avoid conflict and never state truth
b = 1 engage in conflict and make threats
c = 3 avoid conflict but state truth appropriately____
9) a = 3 sincere desire to create safe environment
b = 2 insincere desire to create safe environment
c = 1 no desire to create safe environment ____
10) a = 3 presumably no addiction issues present
b = 1 ongoing untreated addiction/co-addiction
c = 2 destructive tendencies/no apparent addiction ____
Your Total ____
Once you have your total, refer to the scale below to determine how workable your marriage is.
10 – 14 Workable only if both parties are willing to work very hard to make some drastic changes to the patterns of relating
15 – 24 Very good chance that your marriage is workable but will require some hard work to change patterns of relating
25 – 30 A highly workable marriage that may or may not require that changes be made to patterns of relating
If you discover that your marriage will require hard work to change the patterns of relating, it is advisable to seek outside assistance as soon as you can.
The Workability Quiz is the property of Susan Pease Gadoua and may not be copied, distributed or used without her prior written consent. Go to www.ContemplatingDivorce.com for more information.
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Tags: contemplating divorce, divorce advice, divorce help, divorce support, marital problemsComments
7 Responses to “Does Your Marriage Work?”
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My husband and I have been married for 18 years. We have 3 children 10, 13 & 16 and are beginning to show signs of effects of our relationship/marriage. He is verbally abusive and takes very good care of himself. Is trying to make up for what his father did not do for him when he was growing up playing sports. He has my 10 & 13 year old playing alot - involved to the point of he has no relationship with my 16 yr old daughter, myself and our home. He has no prioities, no goals or plans other the desire to ‘just live.’ I have been contemplating divorce and now know I need to divorce after reading an article given to me regarding abusive relationships. I have set myself up so I can afford to care for the kids and continue to live in our home without moving. Bottom line is I do not have the balls to sit him down and tell him it has to happen - divorce. Not sure how he’ll take it - it comes up in conversation all the time. My house is full of lies, no one is accountable for their actions, always pointing fingers, tension….. how can you expect your children to do things around the house if you do not have a routine of doing…..
Hi, I just took your quiz and had 20, which says that we need to change some patterns, and it is so true. We have just decided to get some therapy to help us in our marriage. So your quiz was right
@Eileen: It sounds like your environment is not healthy for your children either. Perhaps he’ll “wake up” if you actually is doing something about your threat of leaving him! All the best to you and your children.
Got 25 score, of course. “Of course” since we’re both pigheaded, come from different cultures and are hot-tempered but have been through a lot of things together that would’ve made most people quit if there wasn’t a ‘workable marriage’.
@ Eileen, find someone to advise you on your financial possibilities after divorce so that you are prepared, find a lawyer and get him/her join you when you spring the suit on your husband.
I wonder why there are no questions about sex and intimacy.
I scored 23 which means quite OK’ish, but we have not had sex or even kissed for real for over a year, I think this means we belong to the bottom score.
Sex and intimacy is majorly important for men, if we do not get this kind of attention we feel unwanted unloved, and it kills all desire to please the women on all the other levels.
So I think this test is not good enough.
Got 23 points and i answered the questions with 100% honesty… but still we chose to get divorced. i would say that a marriage is much more complicated then this quiz and its questions. me and my ex wife were loyal to eachother, loved eachother very much and tried over and over to make it work, but we always end up discussing and fighting. Our marriage really emotionally killed eachother.
rocksteady 10 point, im going out tonight (and my name is not muhhamed)
This quiz could be made much better. At least the scoring at the end tells you what the author was trying to discern from the available answers. The three possible choices are very incomplete or often assume too much. For example in question 8 if you answer ‘c’ then you “avoid conflict but state truth approriately” and are given 3 points. However, if the other spouse doesn’t listen and dismisses your feelings then you really have “engage in conflict”. I suppose question 9 helps cover that… I got an 18 but I had to fudge some answers where none of the options represented our marriage.