Michael Pritchard Interviews Susan Pease Gadoua about couples contemplating divorce
May 8, 2011
Contemplating Divorce Interview with Michael Pritchard
Tags: contemplating divorce, divorce help, divorce support, divorce video, Michael Pritchard, Susan Pease Gadoua
Resolve to Solve or Dissolve Your Marriage This Year
January 12, 2011
With the ushering in of a new year, it’s time to set goals for what you’d like to accomplish in the twelve months ahead.
Anyone who has had to grapple with the unfortunate choice of whether to stay in a troubled marriage or leave, knows that this is not an easy place to live from. And those who have been in this place of indecision for a while know that it becomes increasingly draining the longer you stay in this middle ground.
Yet, I have seen people remain undecided–unhappy in the marriage but unwilling or unable to create the change they need to improve or to get out of the marriage - for years.
They get caught in what I call the “Marital Indecision Cycle,” and anyone who has been in that place for over 24 months, needs to know that it’s probably not just another “rough patch” that every marriage experiences, and that it’s in your best interest to get out of the indecision.
Being in a place of nuptial neither here nor there causes stress and a reduction in productivity and presence. It is the equivalent of a ship sailing the ocean trying to stay afloat with a gaping hole in its hull. Additionally, anyone who has ever said or felt, “this indecision’s killing me,” should know this may be truer than you realize.
There is ample scientific research that points to the fact that chronic stress can cause a whole host of maladies–everything from suppression of the reproductive system to cancer, heart disease, hypertension, depression and insomnia.
While we all have stress in our lives to some degree whether we are married or single, have five kids or no kids, most of the stress we have is manageable, meaning low level and/or time limited.
Having problems (such as marital discord) that have no easy or apparent solution can push tension levels through the roof.
For most people, leaving a marriage is no small decision–and it shouldn’t be. Marriage is a serious commitment–especially if you have children.
But the longer you stay stuck, the more your health suffers, the more you role model an unhealthy relationship for your children, and the greater tolerance you develop for being unhappy and unfulfilled.
Make 2011 the year of change.
Here are three tips to help you gain clarity in your decision of whether to stay or go:
1. If your spouse is not working with you to get the marriage back to a good place, then there is nothing to work on. Nothing you do will be effective because it takes effort from both partners to create a workable, healthy marriage.
2. Do everything in your power to create the change your marriage needs (read self help books, seek out counsel from therapists, clergy and friends), attend self improvement programs alone and together to work on yourself as well as the relationship
3. Because you won’t get new mental and emotional information until you take different actions, try something you haven’t tried before - if you haven’t gone to couple’s therapy, seek out a therapist to work on your communication or conflict resolution skills; if you’ve never physically separated, try that for three to six months to see what that feels like. You will also get a new set of emotions when you recommit to your spouse, make the therapy appointment, move back into the bedroom or when you go out looking for apartments, talk to attorneys and download the paperwork you need to file for divorce.
Three books I recommend on this subject are:
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, Mira Kirshenbaum
How to Know When It’s Time to Go, Dr. Lawrence Birnbach and Dr. Beverly Hyman
And my first book, Contemplating Divorce, A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go, Susan Pease Gadoua
Counseling Services & Upcoming Classes
November 23, 2009
Counseling Services ~ Ongoing
Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW, offers counseling in-person and by phone. This is an ongoing service that Susan makes available to couples and/or individuals who are contemplating divorce. For more information on the counseling services offered, contact Susan at (415) 257-0830.
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2010 Class Schedule
FREE Conference Call - Saturday, July 17 from 10:30 am to 11:20 am PST (check your local time - for example, EST is 1:30 pm)
Going Through Divorce ~ This is a unique opportunity for anyone pre, mid or post divorce to talk about the issues at hand and get some strength from others on the call guided by divorce expert and author of, Contemplating Divorce and Stronger Day by Day , Susan Pease Gadoua.
Call in # is 1-517-417-5000 (Midwest) Access code is 5211983
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Contemplating Divorce Workshop ~ Dates and Times to be determined ~ this workshop takes place in San Rafael. Gain clarity on if, why and when you should stay or go and receive a copy of the book, Contemplating Divorce, A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go. The course will be taught by LCSW and Author Susan Pease Gadoua.
The cost is $95 for per person. This includes the workshop and the book. Hotel accommodations are not included and we are happy to supply you with nearby places to stay.
This course is also available for couples who are trying to determine whether or not their marriage is salvageable. The cost per couple is $175. The workshop is 4 hours and the format is tapered somewhat to the needs of the couple(s).
Contact the Transition Institute of Marin for more details and to register (415) 257-0830.
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We are looking for stories to post on our upcoming www.PostPartHim.com website. Stories should include what your marriage was like, aspects of the divorce and how you have gotten on the other side of the marital dissolution. What is your life like today? We want to hear about your successes so that others may be uplifted.
Please go to the Contact page and type in “Post Part Him story.”
Tags: contemplating divorce, divorce class, divorce help, divorce information, divorce support, financial information on divorce, legal information on divorceSuch as are in the institution (of marriage) wish to get out… Excerpt from a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson
May 10, 2009
We are experiencing very tough financial times and, while the actual divorce rates are down, the quality of marriage is suffering tremendously. Many people can’t afford to divorce right now, but I predict that when the stock and real estate markets start to recover, we will see a spike in divorce rates.
I say this because, along with articles I have read in the past eight months about divorce rates declining, I myself have been hit with a deluge of calls from those who are unhappily married and just waiting out the economy to bring divorce proceedings. What’s worse is that many of these people might otherwise go to counseling but they can’t afford it! I’m afraid that too much damage will have been done.
Of course, a down economy is not usually enough by itself to cause a marital relationship to sour. There are often other factors that come into play such as too much drug and alcohol use, poor or non-existent communication between spouses, other stressors such as having children, a mortgage or rent that is too high, a loved one being ill or dying, depression or mental illness, or living with pain, to name a few.
My advice to anyone in this type of situation is to get support! This doesn’t have to cost money - it can come in the way of reaching out to friends and telling them what is really going on, going to church/temple, 12-step programs, as well as visiting local community mental health agencies that often have sliding scale fees available.
When tough financial times hit, it can be tempting to put mental health on a back burner but I assure you that taking care of your “insides” will go a long way in making you feel better, giving you a different perspective on your situation and potentially even helping turn things around for you and your spouse.
A tip for searching for these services on the internet:
Google the name of the county or town in which you live, then “low fee counseling.” You are likely to find a local, state or county run organization that provides such services. If none is listed, contact the agencies that come up directly and ask them where they might suggest (since they are likely to know of more resources).
Finally, if you have insurance, don’t forget to contact them to take full advantage of coverage they may offer you.
If you need further help in finding appropriate mental health support, feel free to contact us and we will do what we can to assist you in getting the right resources.
Tags: bad marriage, contemplating divorce, deciding to divorce, divorce support, marital troublesDoes Your Marriage Work?
January 12, 2009
In Contemplating Divorce, A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go, the reader who is struggling in their marriage will get a much clearer idea of whether the marriage is salvageable through the various exercises, stated information and case examples outlined throughout the book. Chapter Six, in particular, covers what are known as “workability factors” for marriage based on a variety of areas that come into play in every relationship such as trust, respect, communication, compatibility, and more.
The “Workability Quiz” was created from these factors and is a tool designed to help people assess in a general way how well their marriage operates. It represents a partial list of the various areas in which the marital relations either work or don’t work. This quiz is meant to be a preliminary assessment and should not be the sole basis for a decision whether to stay in the marriage or leave. It is important to read the entire book to have a more accurate sense of how workable the marriage actually is.
From the following scenarios, circle the letter of the answer that most closely resembles the way you and your spouse would interact in the same situation. Then enter the letters in the answer key to calculate your score. This score will tell you where your marriage falls on the workability scale.
1. Your spouse says s/he is going to be working late again. You:
a) believe her/him without question
b) don’t believe her/him
c) wonder if s/he’s telling the truth since s/he lied about working late at least once before
2. You have had a tough day and that evening, you start to tell your spouse about it. In response, your spouse:
a) turns up the volume on the television
b) turns the television off, sits you down and asks what happened
c) turns down the volume on the television and asks you about what happened.
3. When you and your spouse argue:
a) You both scream and shout at the same time trying to get the other person to hear the other
b) listen to each other and each have a chance to express your viewpoints
c) one or both of you becomes emotional at first but you eventually calm down to where you can converse
4. When an issue comes up between you and your spouse, you resolve it by:
a) one of you automatically defers to the other for the solution
b) you have an unspoken agreement that you won’t talk about the issue and you’ll both hope it goes away
c) you work on finding a resolution together
5. Your spouse suggests that you go on vacation together for two weeks. You:
a) get excited at the thought of spending two whole weeks with your spouse on your ideal vacation b) get a knot in the pit of your stomach thinking about how you’ll have to suffer through his or her idea of a “vacation”
c) say yes but mean no because you don’t want to be away from the kids or work that long
6. You and your spouse are at a dinner party. Your spouse says something derogatory to you in front of your friends. You:
a) say nothing until you get home and then you let your spouse have it
b) yell at your spouse in front of the others
c) gently but firmly tell your spouse in front of the guests, “don’t put me down, dear.”
7. Something your spouse has done has upset you and you:
a) never let your spouse forget it and bring it up every chance you can
b) stuff your feelings hoping that they will go away
c) tell him or her directly that you want to talk about what’s upsetting you
8. Your spouse starts flirting with your good friend. You:
a) make some excuse as to why you and your friend need to leave
b) tell your spouse right then and there that s/he’d better knock it off or you’ll divorce him or her c) ask your spouse about it later and let him or her know that it made you feel insecure
9. Your spouse responds to this last scenario by:
a) going out of his/her way to make sure you feel comfortable the next time you all meet
b) apologizing profusely but doing it again the next time you all get together
c) telling you you’re crazy
10. Your spouse partied too much one night and can’t get up to go to work the next morning. You:
a) are shocked since this is so out of character for him/her
b) pray once again that s/he get sober
c) express concern to your spouse that s/he would risk losing her/his job over a few drinks since this happened once before two years ago.
1) a = 3 complete trust
b = 1 no trust
c = 2 questionable trust ____
2) a = 1 no support
b = 3 very supportive
c = 2 somewhat supportive ____
3) a = 1 no communication/abuse
b = 3 good communication
c = 2 sufficient communication ____
4) a = 2 one person resolves the issues
b = 1 issues are not addressed or resolved
c = 3 cooperative resolution to issues ____
5) a = 3 shared interests
b = 1 no shared interests
c = 2 some shared interests ____
6) a = 2 questionable esteem for self &/or other
b = 1 no esteem for self &/or other
c = 3 some esteem for self &/or other ____
7) a = 1 unwillingness to work on the marriage
b = 2 resistance to work on the marriage
c = 3 willingness to work on the marriage ____
a = 2 avoid conflict and never state truth
b = 1 engage in conflict and make threats
c = 3 avoid conflict but state truth appropriately____
9) a = 3 sincere desire to create safe environment
b = 2 insincere desire to create safe environment
c = 1 no desire to create safe environment ____
10) a = 3 presumably no addiction issues present
b = 1 ongoing untreated addiction/co-addiction
c = 2 destructive tendencies/no apparent addiction ____
Your Total ____
Once you have your total, refer to the scale below to determine how workable your marriage is.
10 – 14 Workable only if both parties are willing to work very hard to make some drastic changes to the patterns of relating
15 – 24 Very good chance that your marriage is workable but will require some hard work to change patterns of relating
25 – 30 A highly workable marriage that may or may not require that changes be made to patterns of relating
If you discover that your marriage will require hard work to change the patterns of relating, it is advisable to seek outside assistance as soon as you can.
The Workability Quiz is the property of Susan Pease Gadoua and may not be copied, distributed or used without her prior written consent. Go to www.ContemplatingDivorce.com for more information.
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Tags: contemplating divorce, divorce advice, divorce help, divorce support, marital problems