Anyone who has had to grapple with the unfortunate choice of whether to stay in a troubled marriage or leave, knows that this is not an easy place to live from. And those who have been in this place of indecision for a while know that it becomes increasingly draining the longer you stay in this middle ground.

Yet, I have seen people remain undecided–unhappy in the marriage but unwilling or unable to create the change they need to improve or to get out of the marriage - for years.

They get caught in what I call the “Marital Indecision Cycle,” and anyone who has been in that place for over 24 months, needs to know that it’s probably not just another “rough patch” that every marriage experiences, and that it’s in your best interest to get out of the indecision.

Being in a place of nuptial neither here nor there causes stress and a reduction in productivity and presence. It is the equivalent of a ship sailing the ocean trying to stay afloat with a gaping hole in its hull. Additionally, anyone who has ever said or felt, “this indecision’s killing me,” should know this may be truer than you realize.

There is ample scientific research that points to the fact that chronic stress can cause a whole host of maladies–everything from suppression of the reproductive system to cancer, heart disease, hypertension, depression and insomnia.

While we all have stress in our lives to some degree whether we are married or single, have five kids or no kids, most of the stress we have is manageable, meaning low level and/or time limited.

Having problems (such as marital discord) that have no easy or apparent solution can push tension levels through the roof.

For most people, leaving a marriage is no small decision–and it shouldn’t be. Marriage is a serious commitment–especially if you have children.

But the longer you stay stuck, the more your health suffers, the more you role model an unhealthy relationship for your children, and the greater tolerance you develop for being unhappy and unfulfilled.

Make 2011 the year of change.

Here are three tips to help you gain clarity in your decision of whether to stay or go:

1. If your spouse is not working with you to get the marriage back to a good place, then there is nothing to work on. Nothing you do will be effective because it takes effort from both partners to create a workable, healthy marriage.

2. Do everything in your power to create the change your marriage needs (read self help books, seek out counsel from therapists, clergy and friends), attend self improvement programs alone and together to work on yourself as well as the relationship

3. Because you won’t get new mental and emotional information until you take different actions, try something you haven’t tried before - if you haven’t gone to couple’s therapy, seek out a therapist to work on your communication or conflict resolution skills; if you’ve never physically separated, try that for three to six months to see what that feels like. You will also get a new set of emotions when you recommit to your spouse, make the therapy appointment, move back into the bedroom or when you go out looking for apartments, talk to attorneys and download the paperwork you need to file for divorce.

Three books I recommend on this subject are:

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, Mira Kirshenbaum
How to Know When It’s Time to Go, Dr. Lawrence Birnbach and Dr. Beverly Hyman
And my first book, Contemplating Divorce, A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go, Susan Pease Gadoua

Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW, offers counseling in-person and by phone. This is an ongoing service that Susan makes available to couples and/or individuals who are contemplating divorce. For more information on the counseling services offered, contact Susan at (415) 257-0830.

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2010 Class Schedule

FREE Conference Call - Saturday, July 17 from 10:30 am to 11:20 am PST (check your local time - for example, EST is 1:30 pm)

Going Through Divorce ~ This is a unique opportunity for anyone pre, mid or post divorce to talk about the issues at hand and get some strength from others on the call guided by divorce expert and author of, Contemplating Divorce and Stronger Day by Day , Susan Pease Gadoua.

Call in # is 1-517-417-5000 (Midwest) Access code is 5211983

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Contemplating Divorce Workshop ~ Dates and Times to be determined  ~  this workshop takes place in San Rafael. Gain clarity on if, why and when you should stay or go and receive a copy of the book, Contemplating Divorce, A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go. The course will be taught by LCSW and Author Susan Pease Gadoua.

The cost is $95 for per person. This includes the workshop and the book. Hotel accommodations are not included and we are happy to supply you with nearby places to stay.

This course is also available for couples who are trying to determine whether or not their marriage is salvageable. The cost per couple is $175. The workshop is 4 hours and the format is tapered somewhat to the needs of the couple(s).

Contact the Transition Institute of Marin for more details and to register (415) 257-0830.

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We are looking for stories to post on our upcoming www.PostPartHim.com website. Stories should include what your marriage was like, aspects of the divorce and how you have gotten on the other side of the marital dissolution. What is your life like today? We want to hear about your successes so that others may be uplifted.

Please go to the Contact page and type in “Post Part Him story.”

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen, Bowen Island, British Columbia, Canada

“an amazing book…”   September 18, 2009

“Contemplating Divorce – [is] an amazing book, and belongs on the shelf of even happily married couples! [Pease Gadoua] discusses how to rebuild marriages in practical ways.”

Douglas C. Lord - Library Journal

“This is an excellent resource with a consistently respectful tone…”   September 8, 2009

Even the best divorces are upheavals, messing up finances, routines, and emotions; this supportive primer totally aces helping readers clarify whether to go through with it. Social worker Gadoua notes the steps in the process of deciding, which range from passively considering to actively leaving. Instructive real-life examples show the dynamics of deteriorating marriages with both happy and unhappy endings. Gadoua also explains the difference between staying in a bad marriage out of fear vs. confidently leaving it with expectations of future happiness. Chapters encourage readers to optimize their attitudes and approaches in order to “best influence” their partners and themselves, and workbooklike sections raise issues to ponder. Clear advice seems elementary but not simplistic, e.g., “you can always choose how to interpret the events in your life. Your feelings about an event are one thing; how you interpret them is quite another.” This is an excellent resource with a consistently respectful tone; coupled with a guide like Nolo’s Essential Guide to Divorce, it will make readers feel better equipped to handle a tough decision. Highly recommended for all public libraries and family support collections.

***** 5 stars

A must read for anyone who wants to work on their marriage. June 3, 2009

By JST (CA United States)

This book is fantastic, and was instrumental in parting the clouds for me during one of the most difficult times of my life - determining whether my marriage was salvagable or not. The exercises in this book are very helpful in assessing the work that needs to be done on a marriage, and in determining whether that work can be done by the two of you or not. I highly recommend this book whether you are contemplating divorce or not - in my case, I was contemplating it, and some of the exercises in this book made it crystal clear to me which path was the right one for me. I can’t begin to express how thankful I am to have run across this book, and highly recommend it to anyone facing even the smallest difficulties in their marriage - it can help you see how to approach fixing things if you choose to, or deciding that it is time to end things if you choose to.

***** 5 stars
Extremely insightful; great questions & workbook exercises, November 4, 2008
By Yvonne Gittelson “Dog Wrangler” (Goshen, MA United States) -

I bought this book for a friend, and ended up previewing it myself to make sure it was worth passing on; it definitely is. Having gone through a split 5 years ago (not of my choosing, but ultimately of my relief), I was able to look at this book through the lens of hindsight. I think it is an excellent guide, and I’ve recommended it to a therapist friend of mine, and she agrees. The most important aspect of the book is that there is no right or wrong answer for any/every reader, of course. Every relationship is different, and anyone reading this book will have the opportunity to consider the thought-provoking questions at the end of each chapter to see if the marriage can be saved, or if too much damage has been done. Especially if the question of therapy or counseling is currently not an option for you, this book provides a most excellent and inexpensive substitute first step in the process of considering what to do next. Highly recommended.

***** 5 stars
Excellent reading for making life changing decision, August 1, 2008
By Birder123 “nancy” (Tampa, FL, USA) -

Contemplating Divorce is an excellent read for those looking to make the life changing decision to divorce. It has a break down of all the steps needed to make the decision and guides the reader with how to approach every step. This book is very well written and the real stories cover a wide range of marital situations. Personally, I can’t wait for Ms. Pease Gadoua’s next book!!
Nancy Thomas
Tampa, FL

*****5 stars
OUTSTANDING book, November 23, 2008
By Dorie Rosenberg (San Rafael, CA USA) -

This book offers the reader a wealth of information about the difficult, limbo space between an unhappy marriage and making the decision to stay or leave. I especially appreciated Susan’s applications of the theories of phases of contemplation and Maslow’s hierarchy of needs to help the reader gain clarity about his or her own process. The exercises are helpful and worthwhile to do. This is a very practical volume that gave me much to reflect on. I recommend it highly for both therapists and the general public.
Dorie Rosenberg, L.M.F.T.
San Rafael, CA.

***** Great book!
By K. Morrison -

This is an important and illuminating book if you REALLY want clarity around one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make! It’s well-written and informative and will definitely help those who are struggling with whether to stay or go.

***** 5 stars
Marriage & Family Therapist review, November 22, 2008
By Mary Beth McClure

After reading many books on the subject, I found the material in ‘Contemplating Divorce’ to be thought-provoking and original, particularly about the cyclic nature of denial and grief. The author outlines clear stages of the process and direction on the most difficult decision: how to know when to keep trying at a marriage and when to let go. Although “Divorce” is in the title, the book has a wealth of wise counsel on doing what’s possible to mend a relationship and an expanded definition of ‘failure’ and ’success.’ I recommended this book and the writing exercises at the end of each chapter to many clients. The author has a refreshingly balanced perspective that provides readers with a clear light.

I say this because, along with articles I have read in the past eight months about divorce rates declining, I myself have been hit with a deluge of calls from those who are unhappily married and just waiting out the economy to bring divorce proceedings. What’s worse is that many of these people might otherwise go to counseling but they can’t afford it! I’m afraid that too much damage will have been done.

Of course, a down economy is not usually enough by itself to cause a marital relationship to sour. There are often other factors that come into play such as too much drug and alcohol use, poor or non-existent communication between spouses, other stressors such as having children, a mortgage or rent that is too high, a loved one being ill or dying, depression or mental illness, or living with pain,  to name a few.

My advice to anyone in this type of situation is to get support! This doesn’t have to cost money - it can come in the way of reaching out to friends and telling them what is really going on, going to church/temple, 12-step programs, as well as visiting local community mental health agencies that often have sliding scale fees available.

When tough financial times hit, it can be tempting to put mental health on a back burner but I assure you that taking care of your “insides” will go a long way in making you feel better, giving you a different perspective on your situation and potentially even helping turn things around for you and your spouse.

A tip for searching for these services on the internet:

Google the name of the county or town in which you live, then “low fee counseling.” You are likely to find a local, state or county run organization that provides such services. If none is listed, contact the agencies that come up directly and ask them where they might suggest (since they are likely to know of more resources). 

Finally, if you have insurance, don’t forget to contact them to take full advantage of coverage they may offer you.

If you need further help in finding appropriate mental health support, feel free to contact us and we will do what we can to assist you in getting the right resources.

The “Workability Quiz” was created from these factors and is a tool designed to help people assess in a general way how well their marriage operates. It represents a partial list of the various areas in which the marital relations either work or don’t work. This quiz is meant to be a preliminary assessment and should not be the sole basis for a decision whether to stay in the marriage or leave. It is important to read the entire book to have a more accurate sense of how workable the marriage actually is.

From the following scenarios, circle the letter of the answer that most closely resembles the way you and your spouse would interact in the same situation. Then enter the letters in the answer key to calculate your score. This score will tell you where your marriage falls on the workability scale.

1. Your spouse says s/he is going to be working late again. You:

a) believe her/him without question
b) don’t believe her/him
c) wonder if s/he’s telling the truth since s/he lied about working late at least once before

2. You have had a tough day and that evening, you start to tell your spouse about it. In response, your spouse:

a) turns up the volume on the television
b) turns the television off, sits you down and asks what happened
c) turns down the volume on the television and asks you about what happened.

3. When you and your spouse argue:

a) You both scream and shout at the same time trying to get the other person to hear the other
b) listen to each other and each have a chance to express your viewpoints
c) one or both of you becomes emotional at first but you eventually calm down to where you can converse

4. When an issue comes up between you and your spouse, you resolve it by:

a) one of you automatically defers to the other for the solution
b) you have an unspoken agreement that you won’t talk about the issue and you’ll both hope it goes away
c) you work on finding a resolution together

5. Your spouse suggests that you go on vacation together for two weeks. You:

a) get excited at the thought of spending two whole weeks with your spouse on your ideal vacation b) get a knot in the pit of your stomach thinking about how you’ll have to suffer through his or her idea of a “vacation”
c) say yes but mean no because you don’t want to be away from the kids or work that long

6. You and your spouse are at a dinner party. Your spouse says something derogatory to you in front of your friends. You:

a) say nothing until you get home and then you let your spouse have it
b) yell at your spouse in front of the others
c) gently but firmly tell your spouse in front of the guests, “don’t put me down, dear.”

7. Something your spouse has done has upset you and you:

a) never let your spouse forget it and bring it up every chance you can
b) stuff your feelings hoping that they will go away
c) tell him or her directly that you want to talk about what’s upsetting you

8. Your spouse starts flirting with your good friend. You:

a) make some excuse as to why you and your friend need to leave
b) tell your spouse right then and there that s/he’d better knock it off or you’ll divorce him or her c) ask your spouse about it later and let him or her know that it made you feel insecure

9. Your spouse responds to this last scenario by:

a) going out of his/her way to make sure you feel comfortable the next time you all meet
b) apologizing profusely but doing it again the next time you all get together
c) telling you you’re crazy

10. Your spouse partied too much one night and can’t get up to go to work the next morning. You:

a) are shocked since this is so out of character for him/her
b) pray once again that s/he get sober
c) express concern to your spouse that s/he would risk losing her/his job over a few drinks since this happened once before two years ago.

1) a = 3 complete trust
b = 1 no trust
c = 2 questionable trust ____

2) a = 1 no support
b = 3 very supportive
c = 2 somewhat supportive ____

3) a = 1 no communication/abuse
b = 3 good communication
c = 2 sufficient communication ____

4) a = 2 one person resolves the issues
b = 1 issues are not addressed or resolved
c = 3 cooperative resolution to issues ____

5) a = 3 shared interests
b = 1 no shared interests
c = 2 some shared interests ____

6) a = 2 questionable esteem for self &/or other
b = 1 no esteem for self &/or other
c = 3 some esteem for self &/or other ____

7) a = 1 unwillingness to work on the marriage
b = 2 resistance to work on the marriage
c = 3 willingness to work on the marriage ____

a = 2 avoid conflict and never state truth
b = 1 engage in conflict and make threats
c = 3 avoid conflict but state truth appropriately____

9) a = 3 sincere desire to create safe environment
b = 2 insincere desire to create safe environment
c = 1 no desire to create safe environment ____

10) a = 3 presumably no addiction issues present
b = 1 ongoing untreated addiction/co-addiction
c = 2 destructive tendencies/no apparent addiction ____

Your Total ____

Once you have your total, refer to the scale below to determine how workable your marriage is.

10 – 14 Workable only if both parties are willing to work very hard to make some drastic changes to the patterns of relating
15 – 24 Very good chance that your marriage is workable but will require some hard work to change patterns of relating
25 – 30 A highly workable marriage that may or may not require that changes be made to patterns of relating

If you discover that your marriage will require hard work to change the patterns of relating, it is advisable to seek outside assistance as soon as you can.

The Workability Quiz is the property of Susan Pease Gadoua and may not be copied, distributed or used without her prior written consent. Go to www.ContemplatingDivorce.com for more information.

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1. See that what you are experiencing is quite common
2. Feel less alone
3. Know what options exist for you at this crossroads
4. Understand how to manage your emotions
5. Have a greater understanding of your relationship
6. Learn helpful tools to work on your marriage
7. Understand your needs as well as the needs of others
8. Gain clarity and find your truth
9. Know if, how and when to take action
10. Make peace with your decision

Through a series of written exercises as well as reading the stories of others, you will come away with a much greater understanding of what decision you need to make with your marriage.

The Crossroads

Standing on the precipice of such a big decision can be daunting. Feelings of sadness, guilt, fear and anger are normal now, especially if your spouse is unaware of the extent of your unhappiness or you feel unsupported. You are not alone. There are hundreds of thousands of people feeling stuck in matrimonial confusion. No matter how difficult the circumstances you face, there is a solution.

Whatever your reason for coming to this place or how long you’ve been unhappy and unfulfilled, you are reading this book because you need some guidance in your decision-making process.

The primary goal of this book is to help you sort out your emotions and assist you through the maze of confusion and grief you will undoubtedly experience. By the end of the last chapter, I hope that, with the roadmap provided here, you will have a clearer sense of what direction to take regarding your marriage.

Learning About Your Relationship

I have found that once a couple understands the mechanics behind their relationship - specifically, why they were attracted to each other in the beginning and why they now have marital problems - they can often do more to improve their situation. You can’t change what you’re not conscious of, so a big part of working on yourself and your relationship is “looking under the hood” to see the inner workings of how this machine you call your “marriage” operates.

There are three basic reasons why we are attracted to and stay with a partner: 1) to find comfort, 2) to find balance, 3) to heal old wounds.

Knowing what You Need

Like it or not, you have needs. We all do. We would hardly be human if we didn’t. In my work, I am often surprised by how many people, men and women alike, either try to deny their needs or don’t know that they have them. These unmet needs are the leading underlying factors behind most disputes and disappointments couples have. The more disputes and disappointments you have, the more tumultuous your relationship, therefore, the more likely you are to divorce.

When people have unmet needs in their marriage, they either go without and suffer or they get their needs met somewhere else. Gaining clarity on your personal and marital needs will have a huge impact on the direction you take in your marriage. In order to get your needs met you must:

1) Acknowledge that you have needs, 2) Clearly identify your needs and, 3) Know how and where to get your needs met.

Susan’s Book

The idea for the book was borne as a result of witnessing hundreds of people experience tremendous turmoil in considering whether or not their marriage was salvageable. Through her work in the marital dissolution arena, Susan was able to identify certain patterns and similarities that most divorcing people experienced. An example of this is what Susan calls the, “Marital Indecision Cycle,” which describes the merry-go-round effects that most husbands and wives experience as they consider ending their marriage.

Because people tend to become more isolated when their marriage is in trouble, they don’t realize that much of what they experience is normal. They often question and judge themselves harshly during this time and this only makes the process harder.

Susan felt compelled to bridge the isolation gap and share her knowledge of the commonalities most people experience through her book, Contemplating Divorce, A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go.

Click the button below to place an order for Susan’s book.

This insightful and practical guide, written by Susan Pease Gadoua, a therapist, with nearly a decade of experience counseling those considering divorce, will help you evaluate your marriage to determine whether you should stay or go Without bias toward or against the option of divorce, Contemplating Divorce includes helpful tools to guide you to the right decision.

Free Offer

If you would like to review a sample chapter from the book, Contemplating Divorce, A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go, please submit a request using our form at This Page.

Contemplating Divorce, A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go, includes the following nine steps:

1. Beginning the Mental Journey

2. Knowing Your Options

3. Understanding Your Emotions

4. Learning About Your Relationship

5. Knowing What You Need

6. Finding Your Truth

7. Taking Action When Action is Needed

8. Understanding the Needs of Others

9. Making Peace with Your Decision

Each Chapter includes case studies and thought-provoking exercises to help you gain clarity and perspective on your particular situation.

“Receive a 15% discount on Contemplating Divorce when you use the link below!”

 http://www.newharbinger.com/client/client_pages/aff_contemplating_divorce.cfm?DiscCode=CODI&repvendorid=1134

Ordering the Book