Introduction to Contemplating Divorce

July 31, 2008

Both this website, www.contemplatingdivorce.com, as well the book, Contemplating Divorce, A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go, are devoted to addressing the complex issues that arise when you think you may have to end your marriage.

Susan’s Book

The idea for the book was borne as a result of witnessing hundreds of people experience tremendous turmoil in considering whether or not their marriage was salvageable. Through her work in the marital dissolution arena, Susan was able to identify certain patterns and similarities that most divorcing people experienced. An example of this is what Susan calls the, “Marital Indecision Cycle,” which describes the merry-go-round effects that most husbands and wives experience as they consider ending their marriage.

Because people tend to become more isolated when their marriage is in trouble, they don’t realize that much of what they experience is normal. They often question and judge themselves harshly during this time and this only makes the process harder.

Susan felt compelled to bridge the isolation gap and share her knowledge of the commonalities most people experience through her book, Contemplating Divorce, A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go.

Click the button below to place an order for Susan’s book.

Order Contemplating Divorce

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Comments

7 Responses to “Introduction to Contemplating Divorce”

  1. Tim M. Bray on June 2nd, 2009 6:48 am

    I am going through a roller coaster of emotions. Right now I do not want to be married to my current wife of 27 years. I am so tired of the frequent arguments and what seems to be constant friction between us. I do not feel any affection toward her but she calls me constantly and tells me how much she loves me. We are fairly wealthy and I am concerned about destroying what we have worked so hard for. We have a 24 year old who is married and on her own and we also have a 16 year old autistic son who is the joy of our life. We have been separated for about 6 months now and I miss my home and the dynamics of it. I do have deep feelings for another woman but am afraid to share them with anyone. I am so lost. I do not know what is right. I have spent me entire life pleasing others and I am afraid so seeking personal fulfillment with this other person because I know how selfish it is. I am so tired of hurting people. Tim

  2. Susan on July 15th, 2009 11:14 pm

    Hi Tim,

    It’s nice to hear that you don’t want to hurt anyone and your situation sounds tricky. I know it can be tempting to look at a new relationship when your marriage is shaky but you can’t have it both ways. If you want to explore this new relationship then I suggest that you work to end your marriage. If you want to work on your marriage, I would suggest that you not pursue a relationship with this other women.

    I will tell you that I have seen so many instances of people thinking the grass is greener only to find it isn’t. I suggest you do your inner work and I think the way will be made clear. If you haven’t already read my book, I highly recommend that you read it and do the exercises. It is designed to help you gain the clarity you are seeking.

    Good luck.

    Susan

  3. Kim on August 18th, 2009 12:57 pm

    I have been married for almost 20 years, for the last few I have been really unhappy. My husband has not so much as touched me in the last 2 years, he never compliments me and seems to be angry frequently. I think that he drinks excessivley and we have had numerous arguments over it. He swears he loves me, yet it unable to show it. I gave up my career in order for him to have his, we could not do both, now I feel cheated, I am so disapointed and angry that I have sacrificed so much in order for him to be happy and successful with getting nothing in return. I am so lost and I am having the most difficult time with this situation.

  4. Susan on August 25th, 2009 11:21 pm

    Hi Kim,

    I received your email and I hope you have gotten a copy of my book. I think it will help you get the clarity you need on what to do next. You may also want to share it with your husband. Some couples read it together as a way to work on things.

    It sounds like you are more angry with yourself for giving too much of yourself during your marriage. You may need to work on healing your relationship with yourself too. Do you have a good therapist in your area? I will be having a teleclass in September if you’d like to join the call.

    Hang in there with your situation.

  5. Kayce on November 5th, 2009 4:35 pm

    I have been with my husband for thirteen years and I have always loved him unconditionally, However I feel as though I’ve made the mistake from the beginning of being the nurturer and mother like figure that he never really had much of as a child. In other words I have spoiled him rotten. When we got married we tried so hard to start a family and had a lot of trouble conceiving until after five years of marriage. My husband is in his mid-forties and the only ting he does each and every day is work and come home to maybe laying on the couch or maybe a beer or two outside tending to the livestock we raise. I have always been i control of everything from working two jobs, raising our little girl, paying bills, keeping house and all the everyday life duties you have to do as a parent and a wife. For a while after we got married all of that was okay and fine, I didn’t feel stressed out or unappreciated for doing it. Soon we decided to build a house and it seems that’s when everything started falling apart. We built our own house together and had a wonderful time doing so then shortly after moving in we found out we were pregnant and also that my husband had developed a kidney disease, That is when I had to get a second job in the evenings which would now take me away from home not only during the day but also some nights as well. He started resenting the fact that with both of us only having the one job before and couldn’t make it that I had to get another job so we could make it. Thus began the fussing and arguing because I was not at home like I had once been before the new house and baby came. I am very fortunate to have my parents to help us take care of our daughter though because without them being retired and able to do so I don’t think we could afford daycare for her and I would have to quit my two jobs indefinately. I feel as though he has long forgotten how to appreciate me for the things I do for our family and I have grown very cold and distant from him for these reasons. I don’t like going home early on my off days and we don’t have much communication with one another either except for stuff pertaining to our daughter. He had promised me before the house was built and our daughter was born that he would start helping me because I told him that I couldn’t do it alone but I have had to because those promises he made to me has not been fulfilled and our daughter will be 5 years old in February 2010. Everyone has always told me that I deserve for someone to treat me better than that and love me for the person I am and not what all I can do for them. I know I may have started out by the things I did for him maybe in the wrong way but that is the kind of person I am. I am a loving, caring, nurturing, kind, and warm hearted person and I’ve always gave other people the benefit of the doubt that they would be that way back to me as well. I just never thought that the man that I married and took vows before God and my family to would change his ways into someone I don’t even recognize anymore. I have gave up friends and wishes that I wanted for our lives to take care of what I thought a marriage and home should be and I feel as if I have given up on myself as well during this time. You see, My husband was married for ten years before me and he raised her son since he was 6 months old and when we met he had just turned 8 years old and so I was instantly a mother to someone else’s child at the age of 23. I helped in the raising of this child whom was not even my husband’s flesh and blood and treated him as if he was my own to the best of my ability. I believed that because of his first failing marriage of infedelity on her part that he would want someone to treat him with true love and support and commitment that I felt he deserved but now after the way I have felt for the last say five years or so it’s as if he has taken me for granted and through selfishness not appreciated me as he should have. I am deeply hurt and with our last few arguments been contemplating getting a divorce. Please help me in trying to come to a decision that will be the best for not only the both of us but mainly our daughter.
    Thanks,
    Kayce-Belton, SC 11/5/2009

  6. Patty on July 26th, 2010 4:55 pm

    My husband and I have been together for 19 years; since we were 16. We’ve been married for 9 years. We have two incredible children. We have had our ups and downs. He had a relationship with another woman about 12 years ago. I don’t know if it was a sexual relationship, but he treated me awful for about 2 years during this “relationship”. Then he said he wanted to be with me. I forgave him and we put it behind us. He started drinking about 3-4 years ago and it became a serious problem. I pulled away from him because he wouldn’t stop and said his drinking wasn’t a big deal. If affected our kids, and they have also been hurt. Then about 6 months ago, he cheated on me. This time, he admitted it and said it was only a one time incident. He didn’t quit drinking until April of this year. By this time, I had decided I was done with the marriage. I told him I wanted a divorce. Of course now, he’s sorry and will do anything to keep us together. He did finally stop drinking. I don’t know if I can forgive him, again. I’ve had this invisible wall up around me to protect me from his hurtful ways and I don’t know that I can just let it down. I don’t trust him. How many times do you forgive someone for hurting you? Or do I play the good wife and mother to salvage the marriage and family? I’m so confused, hurt, and scared.

  7. Kari on November 5th, 2010 1:43 pm

    I have been with my husband for 9 years married for almost 5. We have 2 wonderful children together and i have a daughter from a prevous relationship. I am basically the BREADWINNER in my household working full-time carrying the insurance for the family and paying what i would say is 85% of the household bills. He works 2 part-time jobs with NO benefits, NO retirement etc. When the children are sick I take them to the dr., I attend their conferences, when he is home he “holes up in the basement” to watch TV and does NOT want to be bothered by the children. I do it all basically is what i’m saying and because of this I have really “fallen out of love” with him. Do I love him? Yes but I think it’s more of a you are the father of my children type of love. I’m torn from one day to the next, i have contacted a divorce attorney but I am SCARED to sit down with him to tell him what I am contemplating. He loves me, adores me but I do not recipriate those feelings at all. I am happier when he is at work and not home. I know i could do this by myself i practically am already. Any advice is kindly appreciated!!!

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