Feedback from You on Contemplating Divorce
September 18, 2009
So many of you are finding the book helpful and nothing makes me feel better. I appreciate your comments and thought I’d post some of them here so you can get a sense of how the book might help you too.
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen, Bowen Island, British Columbia, Canada
“an amazing book…” September 18, 2009
“Contemplating Divorce – [is] an amazing book, and belongs on the shelf of even happily married couples! [Pease Gadoua] discusses how to rebuild marriages in practical ways.”
Douglas C. Lord - Library Journal
“This is an excellent resource with a consistently respectful tone…” September 8, 2009
Even the best divorces are upheavals, messing up finances, routines, and emotions; this supportive primer totally aces helping readers clarify whether to go through with it. Social worker Gadoua notes the steps in the process of deciding, which range from passively considering to actively leaving. Instructive real-life examples show the dynamics of deteriorating marriages with both happy and unhappy endings. Gadoua also explains the difference between staying in a bad marriage out of fear vs. confidently leaving it with expectations of future happiness. Chapters encourage readers to optimize their attitudes and approaches in order to “best influence” their partners and themselves, and workbooklike sections raise issues to ponder. Clear advice seems elementary but not simplistic, e.g., “you can always choose how to interpret the events in your life. Your feelings about an event are one thing; how you interpret them is quite another.” This is an excellent resource with a consistently respectful tone; coupled with a guide like Nolo’s Essential Guide to Divorce, it will make readers feel better equipped to handle a tough decision. Highly recommended for all public libraries and family support collections.
***** 5 stars
A must read for anyone who wants to work on their marriage. June 3, 2009
By JST (CA United States)
This book is fantastic, and was instrumental in parting the clouds for me during one of the most difficult times of my life - determining whether my marriage was salvagable or not. The exercises in this book are very helpful in assessing the work that needs to be done on a marriage, and in determining whether that work can be done by the two of you or not. I highly recommend this book whether you are contemplating divorce or not - in my case, I was contemplating it, and some of the exercises in this book made it crystal clear to me which path was the right one for me. I can’t begin to express how thankful I am to have run across this book, and highly recommend it to anyone facing even the smallest difficulties in their marriage - it can help you see how to approach fixing things if you choose to, or deciding that it is time to end things if you choose to.
***** 5 stars
Extremely insightful; great questions & workbook exercises, November 4, 2008
By Yvonne Gittelson “Dog Wrangler” (Goshen, MA United States) -
I bought this book for a friend, and ended up previewing it myself to make sure it was worth passing on; it definitely is. Having gone through a split 5 years ago (not of my choosing, but ultimately of my relief), I was able to look at this book through the lens of hindsight. I think it is an excellent guide, and I’ve recommended it to a therapist friend of mine, and she agrees. The most important aspect of the book is that there is no right or wrong answer for any/every reader, of course. Every relationship is different, and anyone reading this book will have the opportunity to consider the thought-provoking questions at the end of each chapter to see if the marriage can be saved, or if too much damage has been done. Especially if the question of therapy or counseling is currently not an option for you, this book provides a most excellent and inexpensive substitute first step in the process of considering what to do next. Highly recommended.
***** 5 stars
Excellent reading for making life changing decision, August 1, 2008
By Birder123 “nancy” (Tampa, FL, USA) -
Contemplating Divorce is an excellent read for those looking to make the life changing decision to divorce. It has a break down of all the steps needed to make the decision and guides the reader with how to approach every step. This book is very well written and the real stories cover a wide range of marital situations. Personally, I can’t wait for Ms. Pease Gadoua’s next book!!
Nancy Thomas
Tampa, FL
*****5 stars
OUTSTANDING book, November 23, 2008
By Dorie Rosenberg (San Rafael, CA USA) -
This book offers the reader a wealth of information about the difficult, limbo space between an unhappy marriage and making the decision to stay or leave. I especially appreciated Susan’s applications of the theories of phases of contemplation and Maslow’s hierarchy of needs to help the reader gain clarity about his or her own process. The exercises are helpful and worthwhile to do. This is a very practical volume that gave me much to reflect on. I recommend it highly for both therapists and the general public.
Dorie Rosenberg, L.M.F.T.
San Rafael, CA.
***** Great book!
By K. Morrison -
This is an important and illuminating book if you REALLY want clarity around one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make! It’s well-written and informative and will definitely help those who are struggling with whether to stay or go.
***** 5 stars
Marriage & Family Therapist review, November 22, 2008
By Mary Beth McClure
After reading many books on the subject, I found the material in ‘Contemplating Divorce’ to be thought-provoking and original, particularly about the cyclic nature of denial and grief. The author outlines clear stages of the process and direction on the most difficult decision: how to know when to keep trying at a marriage and when to let go. Although “Divorce” is in the title, the book has a wealth of wise counsel on doing what’s possible to mend a relationship and an expanded definition of ‘failure’ and ’success.’ I recommended this book and the writing exercises at the end of each chapter to many clients. The author has a refreshingly balanced perspective that provides readers with a clear light.
No tags for this post.Such as are in the institution (of marriage) wish to get out… Excerpt from a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson
May 10, 2009
We are experiencing very tough financial times and, while the actual divorce rates are down, the quality of marriage is suffering tremendously. Many people can’t afford to divorce right now, but I predict that when the stock and real estate markets start to recover, we will see a spike in divorce rates.
I say this because, along with articles I have read in the past eight months about divorce rates declining, I myself have been hit with a deluge of calls from those who are unhappily married and just waiting out the economy to bring divorce proceedings. What’s worse is that many of these people might otherwise go to counseling but they can’t afford it! I’m afraid that too much damage will have been done.
Of course, a down economy is not usually enough by itself to cause a marital relationship to sour. There are often other factors that come into play such as too much drug and alcohol use, poor or non-existent communication between spouses, other stressors such as having children, a mortgage or rent that is too high, a loved one being ill or dying, depression or mental illness, or living with pain, to name a few.
My advice to anyone in this type of situation is to get support! This doesn’t have to cost money - it can come in the way of reaching out to friends and telling them what is really going on, going to church/temple, 12-step programs, as well as visiting local community mental health agencies that often have sliding scale fees available.
When tough financial times hit, it can be tempting to put mental health on a back burner but I assure you that taking care of your “insides” will go a long way in making you feel better, giving you a different perspective on your situation and potentially even helping turn things around for you and your spouse.
A tip for searching for these services on the internet:
Google the name of the county or town in which you live, then “low fee counseling.” You are likely to find a local, state or county run organization that provides such services. If none is listed, contact the agencies that come up directly and ask them where they might suggest (since they are likely to know of more resources).
Finally, if you have insurance, don’t forget to contact them to take full advantage of coverage they may offer you.
If you need further help in finding appropriate mental health support, feel free to contact us and we will do what we can to assist you in getting the right resources.
Tags: bad marriage, contemplating divorce, deciding to divorce, divorce support, marital troublesDoes Your Marriage Work?
January 12, 2009
In Contemplating Divorce, A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go, the reader who is struggling in their marriage will get a much clearer idea of whether the marriage is salvageable through the various exercises, stated information and case examples outlined throughout the book. Chapter Six, in particular, covers what are known as “workability factors” for marriage based on a variety of areas that come into play in every relationship such as trust, respect, communication, compatibility, and more.
The “Workability Quiz” was created from these factors and is a tool designed to help people assess in a general way how well their marriage operates. It represents a partial list of the various areas in which the marital relations either work or don’t work. This quiz is meant to be a preliminary assessment and should not be the sole basis for a decision whether to stay in the marriage or leave. It is important to read the entire book to have a more accurate sense of how workable the marriage actually is.
From the following scenarios, circle the letter of the answer that most closely resembles the way you and your spouse would interact in the same situation. Then enter the letters in the answer key to calculate your score. This score will tell you where your marriage falls on the workability scale.
1. Your spouse says s/he is going to be working late again. You:
a) believe her/him without question
b) don’t believe her/him
c) wonder if s/he’s telling the truth since s/he lied about working late at least once before
2. You have had a tough day and that evening, you start to tell your spouse about it. In response, your spouse:
a) turns up the volume on the television
b) turns the television off, sits you down and asks what happened
c) turns down the volume on the television and asks you about what happened.
3. When you and your spouse argue:
a) You both scream and shout at the same time trying to get the other person to hear the other
b) listen to each other and each have a chance to express your viewpoints
c) one or both of you becomes emotional at first but you eventually calm down to where you can converse
4. When an issue comes up between you and your spouse, you resolve it by:
a) one of you automatically defers to the other for the solution
b) you have an unspoken agreement that you won’t talk about the issue and you’ll both hope it goes away
c) you work on finding a resolution together
5. Your spouse suggests that you go on vacation together for two weeks. You:
a) get excited at the thought of spending two whole weeks with your spouse on your ideal vacation b) get a knot in the pit of your stomach thinking about how you’ll have to suffer through his or her idea of a “vacation”
c) say yes but mean no because you don’t want to be away from the kids or work that long
6. You and your spouse are at a dinner party. Your spouse says something derogatory to you in front of your friends. You:
a) say nothing until you get home and then you let your spouse have it
b) yell at your spouse in front of the others
c) gently but firmly tell your spouse in front of the guests, “don’t put me down, dear.”
7. Something your spouse has done has upset you and you:
a) never let your spouse forget it and bring it up every chance you can
b) stuff your feelings hoping that they will go away
c) tell him or her directly that you want to talk about what’s upsetting you
8. Your spouse starts flirting with your good friend. You:
a) make some excuse as to why you and your friend need to leave
b) tell your spouse right then and there that s/he’d better knock it off or you’ll divorce him or her c) ask your spouse about it later and let him or her know that it made you feel insecure
9. Your spouse responds to this last scenario by:
a) going out of his/her way to make sure you feel comfortable the next time you all meet
b) apologizing profusely but doing it again the next time you all get together
c) telling you you’re crazy
10. Your spouse partied too much one night and can’t get up to go to work the next morning. You:
a) are shocked since this is so out of character for him/her
b) pray once again that s/he get sober
c) express concern to your spouse that s/he would risk losing her/his job over a few drinks since this happened once before two years ago.
1) a = 3 complete trust
b = 1 no trust
c = 2 questionable trust ____
2) a = 1 no support
b = 3 very supportive
c = 2 somewhat supportive ____
3) a = 1 no communication/abuse
b = 3 good communication
c = 2 sufficient communication ____
4) a = 2 one person resolves the issues
b = 1 issues are not addressed or resolved
c = 3 cooperative resolution to issues ____
5) a = 3 shared interests
b = 1 no shared interests
c = 2 some shared interests ____
6) a = 2 questionable esteem for self &/or other
b = 1 no esteem for self &/or other
c = 3 some esteem for self &/or other ____
7) a = 1 unwillingness to work on the marriage
b = 2 resistance to work on the marriage
c = 3 willingness to work on the marriage ____
a = 2 avoid conflict and never state truth
b = 1 engage in conflict and make threats
c = 3 avoid conflict but state truth appropriately____
9) a = 3 sincere desire to create safe environment
b = 2 insincere desire to create safe environment
c = 1 no desire to create safe environment ____
10) a = 3 presumably no addiction issues present
b = 1 ongoing untreated addiction/co-addiction
c = 2 destructive tendencies/no apparent addiction ____
Your Total ____
Once you have your total, refer to the scale below to determine how workable your marriage is.
10 – 14 Workable only if both parties are willing to work very hard to make some drastic changes to the patterns of relating
15 – 24 Very good chance that your marriage is workable but will require some hard work to change patterns of relating
25 – 30 A highly workable marriage that may or may not require that changes be made to patterns of relating
If you discover that your marriage will require hard work to change the patterns of relating, it is advisable to seek outside assistance as soon as you can.
The Workability Quiz is the property of Susan Pease Gadoua and may not be copied, distributed or used without her prior written consent. Go to www.ContemplatingDivorce.com for more information.
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Tags: contemplating divorce, divorce advice, divorce help, divorce support, marital problemsIntroduction to Contemplating Divorce
July 31, 2008
Both this website, www.contemplatingdivorce.com, as well the book, Contemplating Divorce, A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go, are devoted to addressing the complex issues that arise when you think you may have to end your marriage.
Susan’s Book
The idea for the book was borne as a result of witnessing hundreds of people experience tremendous turmoil in considering whether or not their marriage was salvageable. Through her work in the marital dissolution arena, Susan was able to identify certain patterns and similarities that most divorcing people experienced. An example of this is what Susan calls the, “Marital Indecision Cycle,” which describes the merry-go-round effects that most husbands and wives experience as they consider ending their marriage.
Because people tend to become more isolated when their marriage is in trouble, they don’t realize that much of what they experience is normal. They often question and judge themselves harshly during this time and this only makes the process harder.
Susan felt compelled to bridge the isolation gap and share her knowledge of the commonalities most people experience through her book, Contemplating Divorce, A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go.
Click the button below to place an order for Susan’s book.
